Stuff like that happens a lot - I want to write something that expresses my feelings in an emotionally resonant way, and I start doing so... but I have an abysmally small attention span. I can only truly focus on things I want to, and sometimes telling the truth isn't one of them. Which leads to me either deleting everything I've written, or foolishly trying to salvage it by continuing on -- which never turns out in a good way.
But you know what? I'm 15. I should be lucky just to be able to say what I'm saying, especially when it comes to extremely personal things like was featured prominently in the last post, right? It's never enough, though. No, I always have to feel I need to tell my story to whomever will listen. Truth is, no one ever wants to listen... because I'm alone in the world, I think. I don't have a social life at all, I barely ever leave home, and I hate my mother for reasons that are probably extremely unfair to her. She is, though, the only person in RL whom I have general contact with.
That sucks.
I really need somebody to talk with, you know? Someone I can tell everything to, and not fear rejection or mockery or just spite in return, and who would help me make my life better. Or even a point of reference. Something. Maybe one day, but not now. Nothing is ever now. It always seems like that, that everything will happen in the future and that you can worry about things then. People do that, and so do I.
I'm very contemplative, if you know what I mean. I'm always thinking about things, philosophizing and over-analyzing the simplest of thoughts. I do it too much, and I do it in place of actually living my life. I don't think of it as a bad thing, just unfortunately timed, that I do it now when I'm supposed to be relatively carefree, you know?
The thing I want most in this world is freedom. To, first of all, live my life, and live it how I want to. I think that everyone wishes that, so I'm not wrong for doing it too. Specifically, though, I really want to move to NYC. I think The Nanny Diaries did it for me? Throughout that movie, I couldn't stop drooling over the city. Yes, even more than I was Scarlett. (I know!) Maybe that's why I liked it so much, 'cuz of New York. Hm. Wait... I just had a thought. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Maybe my life is worth living. And maybe I'm, like, an unfinished, awkward, cinematically inspired mosaic of a person who just hasn't found all his niches yet.
Or something. ____________________________________________ The end.
14 comments:
"And maybe I'm, like, an unfinished, awkward, cinematically inspired mosaic of a person who just hasn't found all his niches yet."
DUDE! That is so on the money for how I feel most days, and I also think that being that way is totally awesome because discovering yourself etc is where all the fun, and pain, is anyway.
You know you got me, I hope I got you. And, one day we'll meet in NYC, and you'll know another person in RL. :)
I appreciate the raw honesty of your recent personal blog entries, J.D. Since I'm around the same age as you, I think I understand what you're going through (I don't have a social life either) and I can only wish you the best.
I was born in NYC and I would love to visit the city again. I'm infatuated with NYC, probably because of Woody Allen's movies (namely Hannah and Her Sisters and Manhattan -drools-), The Apartment, Elf, and J.D. Salinger.
Nick: If you flatter me any more, I'll explode all over the place, and you're gonna hafta clean it up... :P
Marcy: The only Allens I've actually seen so far are Match Point and Scoop... which reminds me, I wanted to move to London after I saw the former... OMG, SCARLETT IS A REAL-ESTATE WITCH!!!!! *ahem*
Thank you, both of you. :)
Good lord, you sound almost exactly like me. Which isn't good, because I don't want you to end up like me.
I really appreciate your honesty and you are, actually, quite eloquent in putting across what you want to say (in the oddest sort of way ;)). That's more that I've ever managed to be.
All I can say is- and appreciate that this comes from someone who always recieved completely useless advice from the few people who *would* listen- that if you get opportunites to interact socially- whether they be clubs that interest you, sports, parties, whatever- TAKE THEM. All those things, really, petrified me, and I ran away from them. And I regret all that now. Fact is, I still do it, and I really shouldn't be preaching. I was so ridiculously introverted that it became some kind of joke at my school.
Nothing is ever easy. Everyone seems to think it is, and I look at all the people around me who have so many friends and make it look so easy- and none of them understand how *difficult* it is for me to do the same. And it is, I'm not going to lie. But what about six years of feeling the same way has taught me (and the two closest friendships I managed turning round around and biting me hard in the ass, the second of which basically because I thought we were closer than we were) is that hiding is not the answer, because it's starting to spin out of control and I see all the problems I've created myself (no job then makes it impossible to get one now; I literally have no one to lean on for support or escape) and I look back and regret not taking more of those opportunities.
I have no idea if any of that was in any way helpful, or whether it was just me indulging in self-absorption. I am seriously considering deleting it, but I've done similar things before and... oh, fuck it. *posts*
There's no need to be in such a rush. At 15, there is a definite sense of wanting to hit that grownup level and take off like a rocket. I would just let things flow naturally for a little while longer still.
That person you need to talk to will come around. Dave did make a very good point though. Join clubs and activities that interest you, whether they be at school or out in your local town. You'll eventually come across someone who will be that sounding board.
Nothing wrong either with over-analyzing what you're thinking. The trick is to sometimes stop when you realize you're doing it and just do what your gut says to do. Taking a risk certainly can backfire, but it can also pay off in dividends.
Let your adulthood come when it's ready to. Nobody is ever quite as ready to be an adult as they think they are. Jumping into it too soon can be problamatic.
Enjoy the rest of your teenage years, even if it means watching tons of movies (of which I can provide numerous suggesitons for you), maybe NYC will be in the cards when you're off to college.
The fact that you can articulate yourself so well in this post and the previous one already bodes well for you as you get older.
Life has an odd way of working out, it's never quite the path that's expected, but you'll end up getting to where you want to be.
Dave: I get what you're saying, even if it's drenched in a lot of self-pity. :)
FDot: If only it were that simple, man, if only it were that simple...
Don't worry, you'll figure it out. 15 is a tricky age, and I remember hating my mother immensely at that age, though it was a love/hate thingy. Some of these feelings will never go away, but they are intensified in your teens. I'm 28 and I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing and that my head is a crazy mess.
I don't go out much either, and I rarely see my friends. I mostly like it, though at other times I wonder about how wrong I am compared to other people. I watch tv and films and compare myself to the beautiful, charismatic people on there and think that I'm an abomination.
You'll be okay.
"Drenched" is a bit strong. Not "tinged" or "touched"? ;)
At the end of the day I was just trying to give advice, and if that got hijacked by my own issues I apologise.
PJ: Yeah.
Dave: It's alright man, I got what you were saying! And hell, sometimes putting self-pity into advice can make it seem more true, you know? :)
So you deleted my comment. Okay. That's cool. I'll be deleting you from my blog roll and I won't be coming back to see you any more. Have a nice life.
...what?
I'm 18 at the moment and while my life isn't perfect, I'm happy. (Once my exams finish on Thursday, I'll be even happier!) My life isn't perfect and I haven't sorted everything out right now, but I've accepted the person I am and I've also accepted that there are things in this world that I can't change.
I'm not trying to gloat or to encourage you to just cheer up or whatever, I'm trying to say that I hated my life from the age of 12 to about the age you're at now, or a little older. Things will get better.
You're first two posts have seriously inspired me. I almost feel like writing a GMH for it, but i can't because i don't know exactly how you've inspired me so much. Your thoughts have really gave me much to think about. They've helped out a lot, especially for a 14-year old boy who doesn't exactly have his life straight...
OMG :) You're welcome? lol I'm not really in the habit of inspiring anyone? haha.
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