Yeah, that last post was a tad schizophrenic. I was trying to say what I wanted to say tastefully and with nothing short of the truth. But, unsurprisingly, I lost my train of thought and turned it into... well, I don't actually know what the rest of it was, but it wasn't good, and I apologize for that.
Stuff like that happens a lot - I want to write something that expresses my feelings in an emotionally resonant way, and I start doing so... but I have an abysmally small attention span. I can only truly focus on things I want to, and sometimes telling the truth isn't one of them. Which leads to me either deleting everything I've written, or foolishly trying to salvage it by continuing on -- which never turns out in a good way.
But you know what? I'm 15. I should be lucky just to be able to say what I'm saying, especially when it comes to extremely personal things like was featured prominently in the last post, right? It's never enough, though. No, I always have to feel I need to tell my story to whomever will listen. Truth is, no one ever wants to listen... because I'm alone in the world, I think. I don't have a social life at all, I barely ever leave home, and I hate my mother for reasons that are probably extremely unfair to her. She is, though, the only person in RL whom I have general contact with.
I really need somebody to talk with, you know? Someone I can tell everything to, and not fear rejection or mockery or just spite in return, and who would help me make my life better. Or even a point of reference. Something. Maybe one day, but not now. Nothing is ever now. It always seems like that, that everything will happen in the future and that you can worry about things then. People do that, and so do I.
I'm very contemplative, if you know what I mean. I'm always thinking about things, philosophizing and over-analyzing the simplest of thoughts. I do it too much, and I do it in place of actually living my life. I don't think of it as a bad thing, just unfortunately timed, that I do it now when I'm supposed to be relatively carefree, you know?
The thing I want most in this world is freedom. To, first of all, live my life, and live it how I want to. I think that everyone wishes that, so I'm not wrong for doing it too. Specifically, though, I really want to move to NYC. I think The Nanny Diaries did it for me? Throughout that movie, I couldn't stop drooling over the city. Yes, even more than I was Scarlett. (I know!) Maybe that's why I liked it so much, 'cuz of New York. Hm. Wait... I just had a thought. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Maybe my life is worth living. And maybe I'm, like, an unfinished, awkward, cinematically inspired mosaic of a person who just hasn't found all his niches yet.
Or something. ____________________________________________ The end.