Everybody Wants to Kill Colin Farrell Because He Sucks At Killing People - Including Himself!

Well, it's sort of true. »MAJOR SPOILERS«

I noticed this after recent viewings of Cassandra's Dream and In Bruges, two films which, oddly enough, bored and depressed (respectively) me to tears. So much so that I wanted somebody to shoot me. But NOT Colin Farrell. He sucks at killing people -- as those very films imply.

In Cassandra's Dream, he and the less-famous-as-each-day-passes (and maybe rightly so) Ewan McGregor play working-class brothers in London who tend to waste their paychecks on gambling and "investing" in "hotels" in "California", so they need cash. Now. Thankfully, their rich uncle Howard (Tom Wilkinson OMG) is in town and is willing to give them money because that's what family does for one other... in return, they have to kill some guy who has some evidence against Howard that proves he probably commits crimes against humanity in his spare time. Or something. Of course they go along with it, and do it -- Ewan continues on with his now-perfect life, a wee bit disturbingly, with his soulless Posh Spice-ripoff girlfriend:

Seriously, just look at her. Ugh. I'm sorry, James.

But Colin gets darker than usual (and he seemed pretty dark in the first place). He gets into s very serious guilt-driven depression and pills himself up even more and gets suicidal. His gf (played exquisitely by Sally Hawkins - I already love her) gets rightfully concerned and tells Ewan. He confronts his brother, and he tells him he's gonna turn himself in, or kill himself. Ewan talks with his uncle, and they decide that Colin must be taken care of, lest he rat them out (which he said he wouldn't). So they go out for an excursion on their boat, Cassandra's Dream (OMG?!), and Ewan kills him and then kills himself. Whoo.

I don't think I like modern Greek tragedies much. First Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, and now this... they're just so frustratingly ungood. Yet they have great ensembles, with the exception of the non-neurotic lead, who flat-out sucks. Yes, I'm talking to you Ewan. What happened to you, man? Also, even though I've only seen three of Woody's movies so far (I suck) and (surprise!) they're all his most recent, Match Point is leagues above Scoop, which is a good deal above this mess. Is anyone else with me on this? I hope so, 'cuz I'm hella right.

Now, In Bruges. I actually really liked it and I do regard it as a good film. But it's so epicly depressing -- I blame Carter Burwell -- that I can't really think back at it in a positive light.

Colin stars with Brendan Gleeson (UGH) as two assassins who are vacationing in Bruges (it's in Belgium) at the request of their boss, much to Colin's, well, hatred. As he put it: "I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't." The script is great and awesomely offensive, but with a lot of the jokes and one-liners I laughed for a second and then felt horrible, LOL. But not with some of them, like, of course:

"They're filming midgets!"
Which is, perhaps, one of the funniest things I've ever heard, thanks to Colin's half-drunken but fully-inappropriate enthusiasm. Back to satirizing the plot.

It turns out that they were sent there because their boss (RALPH FUCKING FIENNES) has always loved Bruges and wanted to give the "boy" a nice going-away present (LOL) because he assigned Ken (Gleeson) to kill him because he botched his first murder, of a priest no less, by also killing an 8-year-old boy. Yikes. Hilarity ensues, of course. Doesn't it always...

Colin tries to shoot himself in the park at the exact moment Ken was going to shoot him, but he stops him because he has a chance at life and sends him on a train to where-the-fuck-ever, Ken confronts the boss guy because he failed his mission and they sort of duel in the bell tower...

Meanwhile, Colin is arrested on the train and gets sent back to Bruges because the Canadian (LOL) tourists he beat in a restaurant on his date with Fleur identified him, and Ken and boss guy don't know he's less than 50 yards from where they're about to fucking shoot each other...

Ken doesn't want to fight because he knows in boss guy's own logic that he deserves it and he doesn't care anyway, and he goes all gay with a heartwarming speech, and boss guy shoots him the leg because he couldn't kill him (LOL)...

Then the French hospital guy from Atonement, who sometimes robs people with Fleur (who also sells horse tranquilizers to midgets), and got shot in the eye with a blank by Colin because he threatened Colin with a gun full of blanks and allowed himself it to be taken away from him and close enough for Colin to shoot him in the eye, went to the bell tower and told boss guy (who called him 'a little gay boy' earlier in the film) that Colin was in town, and then he shot Ken again and ran outside, while he bled to death on the stairs where an elephant man had a heart attack on the day before...

So he willed himself back up the steps to the top and dropped his change and jumped and splat. Then Colin saw him, and cried like a bitch, and saw boss guy chasing after him, so he ran, and then got shot...

But boss guy also shot the racist midget who was probably still jacked up on horse tranquillizers, so, due to a random dogma stated earlier in the film, boss guy shot himself through the mouth because he thought he had killed a young boy in a school uniform (I still don't get how any of that movie was supposed to be Don't Look Now). Colin survived, and as he was being wheeled into the ambulance, he got a mind-monologue a about how, paraphrased, if Hell is living in Bruges for the whole of eternity (as he has concluded), why the fuck does he wanna die? So he doesn't.

I forgot my point, and I feel tired... well, at least he's hot.