I'm basically at a post-"Are You Satisfied?," "Mowgli's Road" stage now.
I'm not very READY for all the major changes one goes through at such a sensitive age; some people know the reasons why, but I'm not getting into them now. I am a very, very fragile person with many weaknesses, and I always have and I always will be. This I AM SURE of. My neuroses are as much 'J.D.' as anything physical, probably more so. Frankly, I love them, but they really are my greatest asset and most spectacular downfall in the making. They make me, ME, and also make me, me, you know?
Is this "Obsessions" now? Or "The Outsider," possibly, if we're bleak about it.
ANYWAY. All that esteem shit directly affects my output, as you can plainly see (and as I usually assert every time I remember I have a blog). I TRY, I really do, to write, well, anything. Films reviews never end well because they're always a paragraph long stream-of-consciousness brain leak that has zero validity and just makes me look like a moron. I can only orgasm about music, never deconstruct it down to reviewing it, because I don't actually know enough about music (which, I will admit, is not a problem for film). So all I end up posting about is random shit, YouTube vids and ME ME ME. I AM ENTIRELY AWARE ABOUT HOW MUCH I USE THE WORD 'I' WHEN WRITING, AND, YES, I KNOW IT'S A BAD TRAIT. And I (ack) know my vernacular is mostly too juvenile and 'precious' to ever be taken seriously. But I (ack) can't help it; it's just the way I (ack) write! Do you see why I (ack) don't do it all that often?
I want to be MORE THAN THAT. I want to be more than just the caricature I've become. My blogging standing has deteriorated SO much that there's almost no point, though, is there? I average 200-300 hits a week, which is utterly depressing for a blog that ONCE could do 1000 per week and have it stick. Once, very long ago... *sighs*
Vaguely rifting into "Rootless"-esque territory, with a tiny dash of "Numb."
I'm changing that. All of it. I am gonna post more if it kills me, and YOU ARE GONNA READ IT IF IT MAKES YOUR EYES EXPLODE. I know I fucking do this every time I make a post anymore, but GODDAMN IT, I am going to MAKE IT PERMANENT this time. I want to retread "Are You Satisfied?," for fuck's sake! I WANT TO RE-START THE ALBUM! And hopefully this time I won't freak out because "Oh No!"'s indictment of my life, and run back to the emo tracks. I am going to take CHARGE of my life, and my blogging, and GUESS WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
I forgot my point.
This was an intensely personal endorsement of Marina & the Diamonds, brought to you by my lack of sleep and addiction to her awesomeness. Dictated, not read. Thank you.