Monday, June 28, 2010

I Am Not a Robot...or Anything Else

Since I started blogging in 2006, I've done it in certain specific waves, with varying degrees of success. I've had different blogs, different outlets, different forms of HTML capability, been part of different communities; but one thing remained constant: I was an adorable little fucking weirdo. I'm 17 now, though, and there's not a lot of time left for me to be an adorable little fucking weirdo before I just become a pathetic, immature shell of a disturbed young man. As a result of this dawning, I'm essentially in an identity crisis. What kind of person am I? Who do I want to become? Who WILL I be, despite what I want? etc.

I'm basically at a post-"Are You Satisfied?," "Mowgli's Road" stage now.

I'm not very READY for all the major changes one goes through at such a sensitive age; some people know the reasons why, but I'm not getting into them now. I am a very, very fragile person with many weaknesses, and I always have and I always will be. This I AM SURE of. My neuroses are as much 'J.D.' as anything physical, probably more so. Frankly, I love them, but they really are my greatest asset and most spectacular downfall in the making. They make me, ME, and also make me, me, you know?

Is this "Obsessions" now? Or "The Outsider," possibly, if we're bleak about it.

ANYWAY. All that esteem shit directly affects my output, as you can plainly see (and as I usually assert every time I remember I have a blog). I TRY, I really do, to write, well, anything. Films reviews never end well because they're always a paragraph long stream-of-consciousness brain leak that has zero validity and just makes me look like a moron. I can only orgasm about music, never deconstruct it down to reviewing it, because I don't actually know enough about music (which, I will admit, is not a problem for film). So all I end up posting about is random shit, YouTube vids and ME ME ME. I AM ENTIRELY AWARE ABOUT HOW MUCH I USE THE WORD 'I' WHEN WRITING, AND, YES, I KNOW IT'S A BAD TRAIT. And I (ack) know my vernacular is mostly too juvenile and 'precious' to ever be taken seriously. But I (ack) can't help it; it's just the way I (ack) write! Do you see why I (ack) don't do it all that often?

I want to be MORE THAN THAT. I want to be more than just the caricature I've become. My blogging standing has deteriorated SO much that there's almost no point, though, is there? I average 200-300 hits a week, which is utterly depressing for a blog that ONCE could do 1000 per week and have it stick. Once, very long ago... *sighs*

Vaguely rifting into "Rootless"-esque territory, with a tiny dash of "Numb."

I'm changing that. All of it. I am gonna post more if it kills me, and YOU ARE GONNA READ IT IF IT MAKES YOUR EYES EXPLODE. I know I fucking do this every time I make a post anymore, but GODDAMN IT, I am going to MAKE IT PERMANENT this time. I want to retread "Are You Satisfied?," for fuck's sake! I WANT TO RE-START THE ALBUM! And hopefully this time I won't freak out because "Oh No!"'s indictment of my life, and run back to the emo tracks. I am going to take CHARGE of my life, and my blogging, and GUESS WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

I forgot my point.

This was an intensely personal endorsement of Marina & the Diamonds, brought to you by my lack of sleep and addiction to her awesomeness. Dictated, not read. Thank you.


Mark said...

Yes, please, please keep writing. I don't care what it's about, just write. Things evolve...and blogs are things, so they should evolve too. Don't limit this blog so that it HAS to be about film or HAS to be about something else. Write about whatever comes to mind.(Within limits of tastefulness haha)

You're not a caricature. You're interesting and honest and those are great adjectives to have in your favor as a blogger. So, yeah, POST. You have no fucking excuse. It can be blogging about daily thoughts, ideas, etc. with music and film and pop culture intertwined. Do what works for you.

I've rambled. And I shan't be one to give advice on blogging (my last post was in July...yeah.) But anyway, this post is a step in the right direction. Good luck!

J.D. said...

You are fucking amazing. :)

MD said...

"I'm 17 now, though, and there's not a lot of time left for me to be an adorable little fucking weirdo before I just become a pathetic, immature shell of a disturbed young man."

Hey look, a blogger I can actually relate to in terms of age and... emotional place? Whatever it's called. And... I have nothing useful to say here. I'm going to go stalk back through your blog now, because I'm scary like that.

J.D. said...

@MD: Hmmm. I'm intrigued. :D

MD said...

Haha. I'm just getting started on a blog myself, and I'm kind of terrible. But it's made me realise that a lot of the people commenting on other blogs I read have them themselves. I have no idea why this never occurred to me before.

J.D. said...'re just self-centered then? Hmmm. Even more intrigued now.

MD said...

And completely oblivious! Maybe I'll grow out of it someday. Probably not. Ah well. At least I'm finding some other good blogs now. And i shall stop spamming yours. ;)

J.D. said...

Awww but it gets so quiet here. :( :P

Welcome to the blogosphere, anyway! :)

mischa said...

I love you, J.D. You ARE my littel kumquat. Don't stop writing, like Mark said, the subject doesn't matter. I think, writing is a big part of who are. You are such a smart young man, in addition, of course, to being a smart-ass little fucker. I look forward to reading your books one day.