Sunday, June 26, 2011

VD's Best Music of 2010, Part V

I don't really like being negative very often. I get that being bitchy sells more tickets, especially as a homo, but it just doesn't come as naturally for me as it does for others. I am not without vitriol, though. There are always worthy things to despise! And for the music of 2010, there was more than enough. So, finally continuing my best-of series with the complete obvious, LET'S LIST WHAT GAVE ME A CONNIPTION LAST YEAR! Hopefully y'all will agree with me. Also, most of this will probably be stream-of-consciousness, so be warned.

VD's Worst Singles of 2010

10. Timbaland feat. Katy Perry, "If We Ever Meet Again" US #37, UK #3
The major thought I always have is that this would work so much better as a campy '70s-style disco ballad. Instead, we get Timba not even trying to make something even worthy to be copyrighted (THE BEATBOX UNDERSCORING), and Perry wailing for no reason, all leading to nothing. Oh, and that fucking outro.

09. The Saturdays, "Missing You" UK #3
The autotune. The overbearing production. The fact that the song itself is very awkward and VERY psychotic. It's all just fucking ridiculous. I love them, but they really need to learn 'consistency'.

08. The Wanted, "Heart Vacancy" UK #2
"All Time Low" was very nearly going to be on the list, but I just don't hate it enough. This, on the other hand, is one of the most contemptible ballads anyone has ever created. Why do they exist? Who wants them to exist? None of them are even cute enough to justify being in a boy band - and that's before we even consider the reason I hate the song so much is because of their asinine vocals. Just, fuck off, boys.

07. Ke$ha, "We R Who We R" US #1, UK #1
Now, I like Ke$ha - I've said it before, I'll say it again. She has some good songs and an adequate amount of talent. But this is just an insulting mess. How dare you claim to have written this in solidarity with gay youth when ALL it is is a boring continuation of your typically slurred, party-whore manifesto, bitch? I have so much disgust for this.

06. Yolanda Be Cool vs. DCup, "We Speak No Americano" US #29, UK #1
Why, God, why?!

05. Ke$ha feat. 3OH!3, "Blah Blah Blah" US #7, UK #11 /
05. 3OH!3 feat. Ke$ha, "My First Kiss" US #9, UK #7
I'm merging them into one gross clump because, well, they are one gross clump. Without the guest spots from each other, they'd be horrible enough, but nooo, they decided to be a cyclical wheel of aural decay. I mostly blame 3OH!3, since at least K$ is capable of some kind of quality (and doesn't have a date rape-ish fratboy approach to music, ugh).

04. JLS, "The Club Is Alive" UK #1
The club is aliiiiiive, with the sound of muuuusic.
Who's that girl in the spotlight, ooh, cuz she turns me on.


Says it all, don't it.

03. Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg, "California Gurls" US #1, UK #1
Now, what do I hate most about this - Dr. Luke plagiarizing his own melody for "TiK ToK"? Its vapidness being able to swallow small planets like a black hole? That it's become a sort of standard for modern American dance-pop? Because Snoop Dogg actually makes it worse? All valid options, and they're all options that don't even mention Perry. If I start adding her to the equation, I could add at least fifty more, and then I'd have a stroke cuz this is one of the most successful songs of the last decade.

02. Usher feat. will.i.am, "OMG" US #1, UK #1
I am instantly filled with an enormous amount of despair whenever I even think of this song, so I just...can't blurb it out. Fetal position, etc. Excusez-moi. Besides, what I have to say next probably applies anyway...

*druuuuuuuum rollllllllllllllllllllll*

01. The Black Eyed Peas, "The Time (Dirty Bit)"
US #4, UK #1 (still cannot believe it didn't go #1 here - the only positive about it, at all)
That will.i.am is almost entirely responsible for my two least favorite tracks of the year is...really sort of a given, isn't it? He is the main nadir of the entire music industry, and that it follows him so blindly is so irritating and tiring. He's a monster, and this is perhaps his worst creation to date. Of course it starts with the sample. Now, I was born in 1993; the last thing I'd have for Dirty Dancing is respect, but, JESUS CHRIST, WHY? A terrible idea for the entire basis of a song made worse by its execution. Somehow, the sampled chorus ISN'T THE WORST PART. Once the empty house noises dominate it, going through the other random members of the group (WHAT IS THE POINT OF APL.DE.AP) doing random, worthless verses, the urge to jump out of the nearest high-rise window is completely blaring. And why, exactly, are Fergie's vocals so modified so much in every BEP song? I remember the first time I heard "Boom Boom Pow", I thought they had replaced her with some random bitch. But, nope. And it's still the same feeling.

This is the kind of shit that'll make people happy once dance music goes out of style again - it belittles an entire overlapping genre of music and all who like it, or even listen to it. Go to fucking hell, will.i.am.

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Yay, being negative is fun! (YEAH, I did eleven. Suck it.)

4 comments:

feedlimmy said...

OMGAWD. 'Missing You' was absolute cat piss! That song/video/era made me so pissed off with The Saturdays. Who the fuck thought it was OK to put out something that undercooked?

NOW I'M MAD ALL OVER AGAIN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. NO THANKS TO YOU :p

That Boy James said...

Being an Australian I cannot apologise enough for Yolanda Be Cool/We No Speak Americano and hope it has not tainted your views of us in a negative way or caused you any physical pain upon listening to it.

Dame James said...

"The Time" is still the worst song will.i.am & co. have released and that's not hard considering they also made "I Gotta Feeling" and *shudder* "Boom Boom Pow". But it still has nothing on the awfulness that was "We Speak No Americano". I...I...can't even begin with that song. Who the FUCK listens to that song and thinks "Hm, that was absolutely worthy of a legal purchase off iTunes"?

I more or less agree with all of your choices barring "Heart Vacancy". It's rather cheesy but also kinda good in its own, twisted way.

J.D. said...

@feedlimmy: HAHAHA, I KNOW RIGHT. It's so limp and turgid and useless, ugh. (Also, I like "Karma". ftr.)

@T.B.James: Don't worry, you guys are still responsible for, like, Kylie, and Nicole Kidman and stuff, so you're still cool.

@D.James: I've been incredibly pissed off at it since its release, too, but like, clearly not as much as you! You're absolutely right, but at the same time it just feels too inconsequential to brand brighter than I have. I prefer just willing it away, basically.

And you're wrong about "Heart Vacancy". Very, very wrong.